First things first, thank God for therapy.
I took a long break from therapy between my teen years and early 20’s and it took going back to realize how beneficial it really is. I love my therapist, she validates me without telling me only what I want to hear. I feel heard in therapy and it’s nice to know that what I feel is okay, regardless if it's logical or not.
I started therapy when I was either 10 or 11 years old, I'm not sure exactly but I know it was shortly after being diagnosed with OCD and anxiety. Going to therapy as a child is very different than going to therapy now. When I was younger I went to therapy once a week, I needed it. At the time the biggest reason I went was because I didn’t know what my mental illnesses were or how to handle them. I spent years coming up with new “solutions” as we called them. There were different breathing techniques, ways to battle the thoughts I was having, things and people that could help ground me, etc. Looking back I really see how good therapy was for me as I grew up with my mental illness, I wouldn’t have the skills I do today without it.
I was part of a free child and adolescence psychology program through our local hospital which provided me with a psychologist and a psychiatrist could diagnose me. I remember having two main people that I worked with, my first few years were with a girl named Carrie and she was the first professional that I told everything to, I went into detail and didn’t hold back any thoughts or fears that I had because I knew she was there to help me. It’s funny because people sometimes have a hard time with how open and honest I am with my life; specifically my mental health, but because I grew up going to therapy and telling these people every thought I had it only seems natural for me to continue doing that. I never felt like I didn’t want to talk about it, part of my coping mechanism was vocalizing my thoughts and fears to anyone that would listen and maybe give me some reassurance. I later learned that while vocalizing can be good there is a limit and a point where I’m only telling people to get their reassurance instead of looking for it from myself (hey thanks therapy for that one). I remember my therapy sessions being kind of fun, we would always play some sort of game before or after so that I would have something to look forward to, we would do fun activities and learn different strategies by acting them out. My biggest obsession as a kid was throwing up, I was terrified of it and I remember one time my therapist had me make vomit out of play dough to “expose” me to it in a way that we both knew couldn’t hurt me. It’s the small things I remember that really made an impact.
By the time I moved onto my second therapist I was around 12 years old, her name was Kate. It was weird for me to think that I had to start over with someone new and tell them everything all over again. I didn’t think that she would be able to help me the way Carrie did because she wasn’t with me for the past 2 years. I was wrong, obviously. Kate was great at asking me questions that I could easily answer, I never felt like she didn’t understand what I was saying. It was good that I was open and upfront regarding my mental health because that made it a lot easier for her to understand me and for me to trust her.
When I was thirteen I was hospitalized. I’m not going to fully get into that story right now but trust me, I will someday. What I will say is that I blamed Kate for that for a long time. I got admitted right after a therapy session with her and at the time it was hard for me to see that there were many reasons I needed to be there, it wasn't Kate's decision, and she was just trying to help me. After the hospital experience I was very reluctant to go back to therapy, I was terrified I’d end up back in the hospital and I couldn’t let that happen. I know I went a few times after and I continued to go every once in a while for the next yearish.
When I stopped going to therapy I had started high school and was getting support from teachers and programs there. I was also at an age that I wasn’t eligible for the treatment I was getting at the hospital, I was officially a teenager and no longer classified as a child so we would have to look for a new therapist that would cost a lot of money that at the time we didn’t really have. At that point I knew all the tools and strategies on how to deal with my anxiety and OCD, it was just a matter of making myself do them. I had a lot of new resources at school and I worked with them and I’m so grateful for what I had there. The teachers and EA’s that helped me through not only highschool but even a few in elementary school are people that I owe my life to.
Let’s skip ahead to January 2019. I was really struggling with my mental health in a way I wasn’t familiar with. I began feeling depressed and I started obsessing about something different than getting sick. My brain realized that I was getting good at telling it to fuck off when it wanted to be unreasonable so it decided to throw me a curve ball and hit me with something completely new, it wanted me to start over. I was scared of my new thoughts and fears, I was scared that I felt numb and couldn’t move from my bed for days at a time. I didn’t know how to deal with the anxieties I faced or why I was thinking these new scary thoughts. I’ve always been good at being aware of what my brain was doing, this time I had no idea and it not only scared me but it frustrated the hell out of me. I decided that the best option for me was to find a therapist that could help me navigate this new side to my mental health, that’s when I found Bonnie. Thank God for Bonnie. I was so stressed that going back to therapy would be difficult because I was so much older this time around, I didn’t have the excuse of being a kid to fall back on when I didn’t handle myself well. I was scared she wouldn’t get me or would think I was crazy. I’m glad I was wrong. I felt comfortable with her right off the bat and it was easy for me to open up to her. I quickly realized that this time around was different because I was a lot more self aware, I was a grown ass woman and I had a lot of experience with my brain. She was helpful in helping me navigate my thoughts and the reasoning behind them. She didn’t treat me like a child, she treated me like a capable and self responsible woman which is exactly what I needed from her. I went a few times throughout the months and learned a lot about myself and learned good ways to start helping myself. Then came summer where I thought I was fine because it was sunny and warm and my friends were home from school, classic.
I recently started seeing Bonnie again and it’s something that I look forward to every time. It’s nice to have an impartial person there to listen to you and help you understand your thoughts and worries. I have a great support system and they’ve always been so helpful in letting me voice my worries and they’ve always done their best to help me but there's something about having one person that you know you can trust to just listen to you without any judgement or reservations, knowing that when you're done saying what you need to say they have the perfect thing to respond with. It’s nice to feel heard and validated. It’s also good for me to be pushed a little by someone who knows what my limits are. Going to therapy helps me reflect on my thought process and decision making in ways that I wouldn’t be able to find on my own. It really expands my knowledge on myself and on how my brain works.
I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to go to therapy, I know not everyone has that and it’s not something that I take for granted.
I strongly believe that everyone could benefit from therapy, whether you have a mental illness or not. It’s important to take time for yourself and to really think about what’s going on in your mind in a productive way. It’s good to have someone you can trust and rely on to help you when you need it. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to need help. I’m talking about my experiences to help end the stigma around therapy, it’s not a sign of weakness. Finding ways to help yourself is a sign of strength and bravery. It means you want to fight, I know I do.
Comentários