Yesterday I had one of the most severe panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. The last time I had a panic attack at that level was when I was thirteen years old. Almost ten years ago I was admitted to the hospital because I was constantly so anxious that I couldn’t function. I didn’t want to live the way I was living and I didn’t know how to help myself. I wasn’t eating properly or sleeping, my body was in rough shape and my mental state was at its worst. I plan on writing a whole post on that experience sometime soon but I needed to mention it now because that’s how I was feeling yesterday. I didn’t know my brain was capable of going back to that place. I felt so out of control of my mind and body that I truly didn’t think I’d ever recover. I hadn’t felt that specific kind of panic in almost 10 years and because I wasn’t used to it, I assumed it would last forever and didn't know how to stop it.
I almost went back to the hospital yesterday. That’s something I never thought I would have to do again. After my first time there I did everything in my power to not go back, it was my biggest fear. Yesterday I wanted to go, I felt like that was the only thing that could help me. I was so out of control and so panicked that I thought the only options were to be sedated or for me to end my life. It was terrifying and raw and the most vulnerable I’ve felt in a long time.
Near the end of my panic attack something clicked. I was able to grasp onto reality for just a second to remember that I am the only one that can do this. I am the only one capable of getting myself out of this and I can do it. I wanted to feel better and I knew I could do it. That's something I didn't feel when I was thirteen. I didn't fully believe or understand that I had to do this for myself. I was so young that I relied on others to help me and couldn't grasp the idea of using part of my brain to work against another part of my brain. Yesterday felt different, I kept repeating that I can do this and I have to do this. By telling myself these things I was able to ground myself and start to calm myself down. I felt myself gaining the smallest bit of control back and it was so relieving because I didn’t think I would feel that again. After an hour of panic I had finally calmed down and then cried to my dog because I was so drained both physically and mentally.
I spent the rest of the night scared that I would feel that panic again. I didn’t think I could handle it and I’m still scared of it. I know that I am the only one who can control my mind, even when it feels like it's working against me. It’s scary and it’s unpredictable. I’ve been trying to avoid my anxieties as much as possible regarding the COVID-19 situation and yesterday it all blew up in my face. I need to address my feelings more and work through them rather than distract myself. I can’t let myself get to that point again. I feel pretty vulnerable writing about this because I’m embarrassed and surprised it happened. Yesterday afternoon I actually wrote a blog post that I was going to upload today that was all about control. I wrote about the lack of control in this situation and how it was impacting my mental health. I felt comforted in writing it and I think that by finally expressing all of my fears, I allowed myself to fully break down.
I’m going to touch on how I feel about control and how it’s a big part of my mental health another time. For today I just wanted to express what had happened yesterday. It’s a lot but it’s real and it’s my life, that’s what this blog is about. I can’t shy away from the scary parts and try to only highlight the positive. Mental health is a rollercoaster and I’ve been on this ride for fourteen years now. Yesterday I went down farther than I thought I ever could again. I felt like I was thirteen years old and that really opened my eyes to the fact that healing is not linear, it’s not an uphill climb and it’s unpredictable. I'm having a hard time right now, as I know so many others are. I’m talking about it, I’m working through it, and I’m reaching out for some extra love and support. It’s all I can do right now.
As always, thank you for reading and thank you for the support.
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