Riding The Wave

I find myself managing a lot. I’m not dealing, I’m not coping, I’m simply managing. I’m getting through each day by the minute. I know I am not doing the things that will help me in the long run because I find it so hard to just exist right now. It’s been years since the last time I felt this kind of anxiety. It’s so different from what I’m used to and it automatically brings me back to my 12 year old self. I hate this. I hate what my brain is doing and I hate feeling so out of control at all times. I’m constantly seconds away from a massive panic attack. I’m spending my days in a wave of anxiety that won’t seem to settle and at any moment could completely wash me out.

The past two panic attacks I’ve had have been unbearable. I don't know how to put it into words honestly. I’ve been having panic attacks for 14 years now and throughout that I've experienced some pretty awful ones. These past two have been two of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had, that's saying something. I get to the point so easily where I no longer see an option for a future. I can’t see myself ever getting better and I feel like I’ll just get to the point where I have to end my life to stop me from completely losing my mind. I’m so scared of losing control. I’m scared that I won't be able to help myself and that I’ll get to a place of no return. It’s crippling and it's so different from my usual fear of simply dying. When I panic about dying it’s usually because my brain has made me feel physical symptoms that try to convince me I am. When that happens there is usually a point where I can realize that if I was actually dying I’d already be dead at this point, I was fine minutes ago and this is just my brain trying to hurt me. With this there's no logic, I can’t stop the panic by telling myself that these symptoms don’t make sense. The only way to help myself is to regain control and that’s the thing I’m struggling with most. Anyone who's had a panic attack can tell you that finding a sense of control and logic while you are in that state is the hardest part of it, yet it’s the key factor in recovery.

Sometimes when I feel myself getting anxious throughout the day I can do things that will help calm me down before it gets to a full panic attack. Lately, I’ll go from a 0-10 within a minute. It’s like a bomb waiting to go off at any time. I need to find new ways to help myself while we’re in this period of self isolation. I’m used to relying on seeing my friends and family for comfort. I’m used to going to church to feel some sort of peace and clarity when I’m struggling with my mental health. I can’t do those things right now and it’s really difficult to have to be my own source of comfort. I have to do this for myself, no one can do this for me. That’s a tough realization, especially when you're already feeling so drained from fighting. I know I can’t keep going like this. I can't go to bed every night knowing I’m going to be up till 3am on the verge of a breakdown. It’s exhausting both mentally and physically. My body shakes, I sweat, I feel weak and sick, my body gets to a point where it can sense that I’m in distress and it tries to adjust to that. I need to ground myself and I need to motivate myself to do the things I know can help me even when I don't feel like I need them. I need to take those 5 minutes a day and address what I’m feeling because clearly pushing it away and distracting myself till I reach the point of breaking isn't working for me.

This past month has been really tough on me and it’s really shown how much in the last week or so. As I struggle, I also continue to learn. I’m learning new things about my brain, I’m becoming more self aware, and I’m figuring out new ways to relax my body when I’m in a state of panic. I have to tell myself that it’ll be okay, I can make it okay. I am powerful and tough, and I am capable of great things. I am riding this wave as best as I can. I will do this.